The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
