I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
