he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
