I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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