I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
