Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
