I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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