pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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