Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i will never coherently bang her
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
