I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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