God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
