Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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