my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
