sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
