when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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