He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
