My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
