i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
