accomplished twins. life is a go
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
