I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he told me I talked like a deaf person
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
