I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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