Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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