I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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