My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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