I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
