He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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