college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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