I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
