I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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