Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think I sprained my soul last night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
