I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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