next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
