I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
