Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
