so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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