who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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