I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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