tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
