I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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