she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
