Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
