Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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