And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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