Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
