I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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