im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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