you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
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just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
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Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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