My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
