We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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