i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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