In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
