nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
In other news, I just burned my penis
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
