I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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