I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
being pregnant is like rehab
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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