When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
