I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
