There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
