Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Couch. On fire.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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