i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
